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okayso.....i was in a pretty good last night.
first i met this really awesome chick named Sadie who i've actually known for a while but we only talk when bobby hangs out with her dad which isn't too often anymore. 

but anyways, she's fucking cool and we're gonna start hanging out (hopefully) a lot. 

Conrad called me back last night.
: ]

good news on that front, we may hang out, we may not. but things are looking up for me there.

Matt was all blah, like i know he's upset and everything but that doesn't mean he needs to be upset like allllll the time. saturday was a good night for me and him and then last night he ruined that and my good mood. like he gets happy when we talk, which is good because i dont want him to be sad all the time. thats like one of the big reasons why i didn't want to break up with him becauss i knew how sad he'd be all the time again. 

but he's coming over tomorrow and we've made a lot of good plans. and i dunno he's not being weird about doing stuff like he was when we broke up last time. so if all goes as planned tomorrow should be like the best day me and him have had together...like ever. 

suppose to be going to the mall today, really don't fucking feel like it now.

then bobby works til 10 so me and mom are gonna hang for a while.

then i've been planning on like doing crazy makeup and all and then taking pics.

then.....Conrad might call agian today and that would be nice.

then, computer all night and Matt all the next day.

Matt's planning on being here from like 1:30 until 6. wowzers.

the plan was basically, (in no particular order) cuddle, movie, nap, kissy kissy, fun *wink wink*, more cuddling. 





so yes i realize that may not be a good idea when im trying to work on the conrad thing, but hey...i am still single. and it's not like he hasn't admitted he still likes other people, and i dont doubt that he's always going to like a bunch of people at the same time. 

see, here's the problems i have with him: 
1. he likes too many other people
2. if we did go out i'd always be all blah blah blah, you like me but obviously not as much as i want you to if your still liking them too
3. he's a tad odd, lol, yes, just a tad. but i kinda dig it.
4.  we might not see each other very much, i mean we would in school but you can't really do anything there
5. friends, well if they're good friends they shouldn't give a fuck. i mean it's my choice right? and it shouldn't affect them. and if they have a problem with him than it;s just that, their problem, not mine.

well, poop. 
i wish i wasn't so young. i wish we didn't have a law about age differences and how its wrong to like people a certain amount of years older than you.
i wish we never felt jealousy.
i wish we were more ok with polygamy, but really, i suppose what i'm saying is, i wish i was older so i could mess with kyle and make matt jealous but then later him think it was ok and not be upset and me not feel shitty for doing that. 

i want him to be jealous, i just do. 
but he doesn't get jealous easy.
i'd have to like make out with someone else right in front of him. which i dont really want to do.
and i feel sort of bad for wanting to make him jealous.
i feel bad for wanting to mess with other people, but i know i'd feel like shit for doing it if i did.

i want my mother to get me birth control, i want her to leave the house when matt comes over.....
i just want to screw him, sorry. 

it's like hey im only 14 and i wanna fuck you! it doesnt sounds so nice when you say it like that.

i was re-reading parts of perks the other day, and charlie kind of reminded me of matt, only charlie is a bit more special, charlie seems so curious about the world and life and everything, they both say sorry a lot, but i think charlie cries more, even though matt still cries more than any other guy i've met. 

i've been horny lately, and dammit, i don't like it because i can't do anything about it. it's just infuriating. 

wish i wasn't so fat.
wish i was prettier.
wish i was nicer to you.
wish i could make you happier.
wish i was a better person for you.

i wish i didn't feel like shit after we see each other and always regret not doing things. 


i love how we both still get nervous when your coming over, but nervous in the good way.
i love how you call me baby, and muffin, and my love. 
i love how you always play with my rings and bracelets when you hold my hand.
i love how it feels when we hug.
i love when we're hugging and i close my eyes and all there is is your body against mine and how you always smell so good.
i love how amanda said "i can tell he wants to touch you" 
i love how you say holding each other instead of hugging, it just makes it sounds more special. 






yeah so, a whatever kind of entry, just crap on my mind i guess. 

ohh, last night i felt like coffee and smelled matt, it was neat.